“I must prove I am good.”

sgm-bkg1

I am thinking “I am fallen soul. I am conditioned soul. Everything you can say, about me, and I shall accept it.” But now accepting is very difficulty. Now accepting I am very bad, I cannot say. And then all Mission will be massacre, and I cannot say [that] now. I must prove I am good.

Sripada Avadhuta Maharaja recently wrote to me about “Acharya-abhiman”. What Srila Govinda Maharaja is saying above is one example of acharya-abhiman, the inspired side of a vaishnava.

It is not the nature of a Vaishnava to promote himself, defend himself or attempt to convince others of his “goodness.” But Srila Govinda Maharaja crossed over this standard behavior in order to serve Srila Sridhara Maharaja. He recognized that his service required him to step outside the box of the conventional thinking of a devotee “I am a fallen soul.” and adopt a sort of radical thinking “I must prove I am good.” Otherwise, “all [the] Mission will be massacre.”

Srila Sridhara Maharaja: By the special will of Krsna, gurudeva is a delegated power. If we look closely within the spiritual master, we will see the delegation of Krsna, and accordingly, we should accept him in that way. The spiritual master is a devotee of Krsna, and at the same time, the inspiration of Krsna is within him. These are the two aspects of gurudeva. He has his aspect as a Vaisnava, and the inspired side of the Vaisnava is the guru. — Sri Guru and His Grace

Srila Govinda Maharaja “Navadwip Lecture (12/23/93)”

@46:25
Srila Govinda Maharaja: Shastri told, “It [Sridhara Maharaja’s Math, after his disappearance] will go in the hand of mleccha.”, that management, or something. “It will go in the hand of mleccha.” that told Shastri. And it is true. I am thinking that is true. But, they are not actually now mleccha. Outwardly they are looking mleccha, but you are not mleccha [speaking to western devotees, Janardana Maharaja (BPJ), Cidananda, etc.]. You’re a brahmana sannyasi.

BPJ: It is laughable.

Srila Govinda Maharaja: Laughable you can tell, but I am not telling that. I am not thinking you are mleccha now. Mleccha in your previous life. But this life you are not mleccha. But when that astrologer has seen [break] Who knows the glories of Sridhara Maharaja’s chair, he must be afraid to take it.

But I am highly qualified by Sridhara Maharaja but I [am] afraid. I [am] afraid to take that chair, and I’m always afraid. “No. No.”

That is [why] Guru Maharaja sent to [for] tantric. And Guru Maharaja hundred percent sure I am qualified. Only I am not taking sannyasa, that is he is not giving. That was his pain. But he was hundred percent sure I am qualified. That is [why] I am telling I am highly qualified; only this cause.

My feelings not like that. I am thinking “I am fallen soul. I am conditioned soul. Everything you can say, about me, and I shall accept it.” But now accepting is very difficulty. Now accepting I am very bad, I cannot say. And then all Mission will be massacre, and I cannot say [that] now. I must prove I am good.

Now I have only thinking, which way I shall continue the Guru Maharaja’s conception, principle and Mission. [This is my] Only my thinking. No other thinking in my head. I am not thinking Krishna. I am not thinking Mahaprabhu, nothing. I’m only thinking this. That this is my seva. Somebody said “This is your seva. Boil this milk. Every day, you will boil this milk. This is your seva.” He not will think, “Who will take it, or who will not take it.” That is master, mistress thinking. Some manjari, some sakhi said to manjari “This is your seva, you do. Every day you will boil this milk.” And night, somebody has seva, “You will distribute milk every day, this time, to this, this, this, this, this. This is your seva.”

And I am not now thinking; Guru Maharaja [has] given me this seva, continue his Mission, continue his conception, principle, devotee, Deity; and I am thinking that. I am not thinking who is Krishna and what is doing Krishna, and what is like Krishna. No. I am thinking Guru Maharaja’s things, and I am trying to continue that. And I am happy, and I know it is good for me.